Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Raindrops Fall Individually. But the Rain Falls on Everything.

Detachment, also expressed as non-attachment, is a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

- Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia

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Unfair, isn't it. How each time this occured to me without fail. The want of something that does not envelop and smother.

I get it now, I get what he meant by me being a manipulative, destructive creature. Like that of a Siren luring 'innocent' sailors into their deaths by the mere beauty of my calling. Never did they see the true image of the songstress, and for when they do as they go through the most horrendous last moments, it's a disgrace upon ugly.

Such is my nature I suppose. One that not so many could understand.

I suppose it was a revenge for what he did. Betrayal of trust. I've lost that glow, have you noticed? From the years when my mind does believe. And the years when the essence of being me drained away.

I don't think it was revenge on the second thought.

To be detached is to let go, not of the person or of the relationship, but of an anxiety-driven desperation to hang on, which eventually demolishes what it frantically wants to preserve. If you cannot rid yourself of the need to cling to someone or something you cannot hold on to it.

I think it was honesty above all else. Maybe I've lost that "anxiety-driven desperation to hang on". Maybe the years have made me learn this particular skill so much that I could weave in and out of what would be an award-winning drama with no hassle.

I want to get under the covers with someone, naked. Naked from all the anxiety, expectations, and worries. I want to be there one day and be able to look back to that time when I do without regret. The moment I step into the bedroom looking at his tired smile, I want to take everything off me. I want to strip away all hopes and unrealistic wishes, and just stand there without even a strand of need to possess him. I just want to be in the moment...

It is about giving space and finding your own to explore, experience and grow from that experience without judgmental constraints. . . . the time invariably comes to let go, to release and be released from emotional insecurities.
I have grown older than my age, I suppose, to be able to make sense out of this without even trying. I might have seen enough, too, from my childhood to my adolescence up to my young adult life. It just won't work when two people come together, insecure of each other and themselves and hoping that it'd all work out some day. It won't. It will falter, and break, and it will be gone without a trace, no matter how many years has it been for the two people to TRY.

This kind of things are exactly the things that people mostly don't get. You can't simply hope for things to work out if you're insecure and hoping the other insecure person to work it out for you.

I have long decided that there is no need to rush for love. There is no need to rush to establish a firm relationship. There is no need to rush for anything when it comes to hearts. There is just no need.

A detached relationship offers one the limitless sky and space to fly in. It entails watching with pride as the object of your affection spreads her wings and takes flight even as you are airborne on your own trajectory.

I guess the two of us weren't wrong. It wasn't a bad idea. You want your soul back, your essence, your lost feelings. And I me. The moment we first talked about it I have set you free. You are free to come and leave. Not because we're on the grounds that falter. Or I having an empty heart. I have known of this long before it was written in words. And from the look in your eyes I could see how you instinctively understand this too.

We are all constantly yearning to fly, chart new vistas, explore new horizons and find our own path. We cannot snip someone else's wings and hope to fly freely ourselves.
I do not write this in hope. There is no hope at all. My feelings had always been like that. I care. But not so much that if he decided to leave that I'd feel that hollow pain.

Just now I lapsed into that possessive behavior. Blame the dream where I was being pushed away by him. It was a reminder coming from my subconscious mind. It's reminding me on what grounds am I standing on, and what values I'm holding true to myself. I was hit pretty hard by myself, it seems, and it worked. I'm glad it hurt. For there is no happiness where you force someone to be with you. Be ready to let go.

Detachment is not to be confused with separation or an uncaring attitude.
Two half people, who cling to each other, who are dependent emotionally and psychologically, who have come together from wants and needs, from negative commonalities, cannot build a wholesome relationship.
It is synonymous with building a house from material one would use to simply prop up a crumbling structure, rather than with solid building blocks. They are constructing on shaky foundations, augmenting a dilapidated edifice that is bound to come crumbling down. Such a decayed relationship begs for separation.
Detachment on the other hand requires immense love, courage and faith. It is to choose to be whole and complete within yourself and to love another from that totality.
A detached involvement in a relationship brings its own reward - a togetherness that only truly free spirits can enjoy.

Are we free, my dear? Have we really reached the point where we could actually let each other go? I think I did. It wasn't because I do not care. I do, and I know you cared about me too. Remember, I was not looking for something with you yet, as in something so serious it would hurt if it's not built. I might have forgotten these important values these few days, and had lapsed into the mindset that you're somehow mine.

Building the bricks will be the first start if we ever wanted something out of it. And yes it might take us all of our best years. It might not be built ever, too, there is always that possibility.

Again I remind you that peeling out my desires to be with you does not mean that I do not own affection and love.
It is to give another the confidence and the courage to stand alone, making leaning unnecessary for any one. Let go of your clutching, clawing power over another. . . resultant blackmail are the death knells of a relationship.
Ah, leaning. For trust, love, affection, anything. And when it ends, God bless you who had gone through this - it always ends ugly. Would you want this to happen to yourselves? He'd gone through this. I have too. Years taught us. Are we learning?

When one holds the strings and wants the other to respond to the pulls on it, it is puppetry, a sick relationship at the most.
Would you want this? A sick puppetry of where you move to where another directs you to. Or you manipulating someone into a dance that he or she refuses to.

Back then when I was in high school I learnt in Physics that energy is always there, it only changes form. It can't be destroyed. So is force when it comes to hearts. It's always there. it can change its form, but it can never be destroyed. When one applies force, it will always come back, and it will tend to resist.

You see my dear, it wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Good night. *slips into your blanket and holds you close*

2 comments:

  1. I'd pretend I understand what you're trying to say with that buttface, amiramir XD

    ReplyDelete

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