"Luke," I heard my inner voice calling out for me. "You're wasting water."
I looked around, and there I was, I was in a cubicle, having my shower. I didn't know how I got there, or when I took off my shirt, or when the cold morning shower hit me. I was just, there, after I read his message.
God, no, this is not happening again.
Recalling what he wrote, I fell onto my knees and cried. I forced myself to cry my heart out because I know after this I will have to put on my poker face. I just cried very hard, silently, alone. That's the way it has always been, and it works that way, I get stronger like this.
The two sold my mum's stuff again to keep me afloat again.
As I type, I'm battling my own self. No, I don't need prozac again to go through this. Once is enough. I don't need it. Shut up, shut up....I don't need it anymore.....
Its a good thing my family didn't buy me tickets to fly back home this Eid. I couldn't face them anymore like this. I just couldn't. I can't. I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm ashamed that I have become a burden to them to the extent that they had to do that. It wasn't the first time they did. God knows how many times mum had her stuff sold to pay for my studies.
God, I am just a burden....
What about the RM18k debt from MARA? How was the deal? Who paid for it?
No....
I can't go on like this....NO, I MUST GO ON...this is the same thing Luke, its the same thing you went through, this time around you knew how deep it could hurt, you don't need those 'sane' pills anymore...
Mak, dad, I'm so sorry I have to put you through all this despite your ages, by this time you actually should have just relax in your houses and have no problems in the world. I'm so sorry I was born 10 years late. I'm so sorry I skipped from Primary 3 to Primary 5. I'm so very sorry I didn't get straight A's in my PMR and SPM. I'm eternally sorry I ended my Diploma last year. And I am sorry that I am your useless daughter who kept on needing money. I'm so sorry I had to continue my studies so far away from both of you, and had you worry over me all the time.
I am so sorry I was born your daughter...if I knew I was only there to burden you....mak, you should have just hand me over to Kak Ana back then when I was 3, so I wouldn't have to torture you like this! I'd torture anyone but you Mak, Dad!
My brother and sisters are so much better than I am, they're all working and supporting their own lives now. They have wonderful children, and their own lives which I'm sure made you feel happy for them that they grew up the way they are. It should have just been the 4 of them. I'm bringing them down with me, didn't I?
I musn't wish for anything right now. I don't want new handphones. I don't want cute things. I don't want all that because right now all I want is to help my parents. If I have all the money in the world I'd give it to them if it relieves them off their debts that they had to keep me afloat.
God, please don't take my life before I pay all those debts for them. I musn't let them suffer any more than this, I must be responsible for everything that they have gone through...
Please....I beg You....
I can totally understand what you're feeling right now. But I'd just like to give you a little reminder.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, never say you regret being born to your parents because it was God's will that it happened. Saying you regret that is saying you regret God's will, and that's defiance. Not to mention blasphemous.
Secondly, you have no place to ask for His help if you're going to defy his wills. You can't have it both ways.
Remember, God is not cruel. He does not give you more than you can handle, and everything happens for a reason. Right now you're feeling like you're falling (if not already fallen) to rock bottom. But there's a place and time for everything. The most important thing is to never stop going, and never stop trying. You owe that much at least to your parents. Breaking down and feeling sorry for yourself isn't gonna do anybody any good. Not you, and certainly not your parents. Every single one of us has stumbled, and fallen. The most important thing is to keep picking yourself up.
Never say you regret being born to your parents. They chose to have you, and children are God's gift to parents. If you regret anything of the sort, you're going to hurt them more than you're gonna hurt yourself.
Take it from someone who's been there.
@Daily Detention: you've lifted my spirits in so many ways, and thank you for it. I have been feeling down with myself these days and it makes lots of people who cared about me felt sad as well. I didn't realize this fact before I read your comment. Thank you for waking me up...
ReplyDeleteSomeday you'll return the same favour to someone else. Don't thank me yet. Just pay it forward when you can.
ReplyDeleteLike the saying goes, "change the world one person at a time."
Best wishes for all your days to come. Just remember, if all else fail, there's always God.
p/s: I don't meant to sound all pious and stuff, LOL don't get me wrong. But if your faith hasn't been shaken, it'll always come through as your backbone.