Monday, January 31, 2011
How could you be so heartless?
Today all I wanted is to express what I have felt these days of late. I have seriously been mauled emotionally by people whom I believed to be the group of people I fight alongside through this hard life, not against them. This is actually the first time I have felt so disappointed and heartbroken that I've nearly given up two of the only undying passion I have ever had since a child - education and art.
I have never experienced such a heartbreak so severe that I decided to just get away from everyone I've known in college. Someone so headstrong, so full of life, suddenly gave up? Maybe I'm not so strong, okay. Have you ever thought for a second that I have feelings and expectations too?
And you call yourselves my friends...
I am not one for rejections, I know, but never have I been fearful of rejections which have no basis. So this is why I felt some sort of dread knowing that I have to study with people who just got out of school for what, a few months? A year? They have not seen what I have seen, felt what I have felt, go through what I have gone through which made debating felt like an argument with a child than the future of the country.
Why does a simple debate on the importance of sex education has to end with "okay, you want to win? fine, you win"? Do you seriously, as a friend, think of me that lowly? Do you think all I want in this world is to fucking "win"?
I debate for the sake of tomorrow, to curb the problems of the society nowadays from the ground level - the youth level, the level who's causing the problems the first place. I suggested a solution to a spreading disease. I wanted a CHANGE.
But you, as a friend, have totally disappointed me by making me feel like all the things I believe and fight for is just to WIN OVER YOU. Why do you have to hurt me so like this? I thought as friends you would consider my viewpoint, ponder about it for a while before you shoot at me as if I don't know anything about religion and the complications of what I am talking about?
If all a friend is for is to cut you off and not consider the other's feelings then I'll better be off without all of you. Constantly I've been hurt like this. It's a wonder why I still make friends, knowing deep in myself that all friendship really does is to hurt me.
Have I not respected your views and your opinions? No? That's because you've not been listening to me. You close your ears and eyes and refuse to see what I see. You think I have not pondered what your viewpoints are? I can GUARANTEE you I have seen through what you said in precise detail that I can recite to you all that you're about to say. But you? Can you recite back what I am trying to say? The reasons why I say what I say? The complications I have thought about? Can you?
I've given up on friendship. Let it be all known that all who's so called friends with me that I have given up expecting anything from you other than fun and games and laughter, because honestly that's all I've got abundantly from all of you and let it be known that I will walk, run, jump, limp, or even crawl so further away from you that you'd think I've died.
And to think that the case between me and that person isn't over yet.
Why would you think, as a person who guides, teaches, and shows the way, does not have any expectations from the people getting your guidance?
People had been defending you by telling me that I should understand what you're going through before doing anything like I'm doing right now. They have the impression that I DON'T KNOW.
HOW STUPID AM I TO THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY? DO I COME OFF AS STUPID TO ALL OF YOU ALL THESE WHILE?!
All of them, including you, all of you never have known the pain I've gone through and I bet ALL of you have never, ever tried to understand, even when your little mouths say that you can. This LAST fucking chance I've had to redeem myself, do you know why I've been so fucking DESPERATE in getting the treatment I am SUPPOSED to have? Do you know why I've been so desperate in getting taught of the things I SHOULD be taught of? Do you know why I'm so mad?
It's because you don't know how it feels like to make a mistake so big your future seemed BLANK.
You have never faced a cruel twist of fate so cruel you have to sacrifice your everything to pull through!
YOU DON'T HAVE A RM20,000 DEBT WHEN YOU WERE 17.
Nobody cared if this is my last chance to prove to myself that my future isn't blank.And because of that I've been treated like a renegade student. Like someone acting on my anger and no other basis.
Yes you aren't my little brother, BUT I PAID YOU TO REDEEM MY FUTURE, MY PAST AND MYSELF.
I have put what was left of myself into your hands only to learn that I had to trot this road on my own effort. Then what's the use of coming to you for help? What's the use of coming to you and 'talk it out' if in class all you did was to listen to yourself talking?
Have you thought to yourself why?!
Does someone have to come up and say it to your face? If that's what I did back then, I would be dead 2 years ago!
If nobody wants to back me up on this guess what, I DON'T NEED ALL OF YOU.
I've never depended on some strangers to help me out anyways. Its always have been me, my parents, my siblings and NOBODY ELSE.
What I know is that I cannot stand being treated like I know nothing, like I'm lazy, like I've not given any effort.
What I know is that that RM20,000 plus this RM24,000 student loan ain't gonna pay itself, and I want to make every single sen I've spent FUCKING WORTH IT.
I did NOT pay you to listen to you making assumptions, throwing tantrums around like I HAVE NO TEMPER TOO. If I were to follow my temper that day I would've said to you that every single sen I paid is going to come into your freaking pay.
If you think you deserve respect, WHAT ABOUT ME? What about the respect I'm due to have as someone who's willing to withstand your tantrum?!
I DON'T NEED YOUR BLESSINGS BECAUSE YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME ANYTHING OTHER THAN GIVING RESPECT TO THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DESERVE IT. And even that can be learnt anywhere else in this little world.
Leave me be and I'll leave you be.