Its not a new thing that I cry over this. I really, really think that the money that my dad banks in every month is not enough. But who am I to ask for more? I think I'm a burden already asking for RM300 every month.
I want to eat three to five times a day. Each meal averages to RM5. So this means for a day I spent RM25 on food. Times that by 30, per month my nomnom is RM750. Unfortunately this will not happen because all that we want is all that we cant really have.
So I only eat two meals a day to get in the budget of RM10 per day. Two. And there are people who actually complain that I'm too thin. :\ So the RM300 is actually only for food.
I have other commitments too. Assignments, sketch books, papers, wires. Printing a paper would cost me 30 sens each. An assignment is usually 20page long. Thats RM6 per assignment, and this semester I have 5 subjects with 4 assignments = RM120. Unfortunately this will also not happen, so I write very little, or borrow money/printer.
I have sculpturing this semester which requires a big bunch of metal wires. 2000 pages of drawings = Introduction to Art.
Not included my need of phone credits, my menstrual pads and tidbits to nom when I dont have any money left.
I dont know. Do you think I'm spending my money carelessly whilst I actually fully realize where it goes (which is into my stomach)? I dont know. I get that a lot from my father. He said I'm careless with my expenses. I think I am. I should then eat only once a day to actually have an allowance for assignments and other commitments in life.
I can smell 10kg loss again. LOL
I cant work. Dad wont let me. But to know that he's having problems and has to ask him for money is just.....beyond me. I don't want to burden him any more than I already do, hence I think I shouldn't say a word to him about this.
He always have said, if I have any problems, just tell him. Dad, I can't. I love you. I don't want you to have more problems.
My siblings? Lagi la cannot. They have family, right. Nak ikutkan each of them I charge Rm100 every month lol. got la extra RM300 like that. But I cant cuz I think of their commitments in life too. They got debts, loans to pay. Me just menyibuk. If desperate got la me calling them asking for some. tu pun sometimes almost die of starvation :\
So conclusion? Next month when my money comes, I should only eat one meal to allocate some money for Sir AB's sculpturing wires that I have to buy.
It feels so good to be broke. :\
SpikyHair asked me. "Have you eaten anything?"
I don't wanna make him worry. "Yeah."
SpikyHair asked. "Makan what?"
"....food. :3" I tried to joke my way out.
Who am I kidding? Nobody.
I dont know why I just lost control. I just...pour all my heart out over the phone with SpikyHair. I'm in pain.
I don't want to feel as if I'm using him.... He's.... too important for me.
Its a lie if I say I don't want his help. But my conscience is yelling out: Stop it, Luke, you're using him! You're using him!
No! I dont want to use him! I dont want him to be burdened by me....