You know, I don't say my diet consists of sugar and irony for nothing. Life is really giving me lemons this week, especially today. I want to say shit, but we can't make lemonades out of shit, can we.
------------------------------------------- COLLEGE LIFE / HOT TOPIC / DRAMA
I woke up around 6 when Monsieur called me. It was a done deal the night before that he'd wake me up, cuz I have a phone so lame I couldn't even set the alarm clock because I couldn't press the "Alarm On" button. Lemon #1.
I got dressed real quick, yes I didn't take my shower, and this had a really ugly consequence on my day. Stormed in and out of my room while on my way out cuz I keep on forgetting stuff I should be bringing for the classes that day. Lemon #2.
As I was waiting for the bus to my college, her mum came over and forced her to apologize to me over her disappearance last night. I knew where she'd been. But as an adult she has to take responsibilities over her actions and not cower back from things she herself caused. She didn't talk to me all day, or it's either me ignoring her, I don't know. One thing for sure is that I've sort of lost a friend. Lemon #3.
Lemon #4, I got scolded by my Arts lecturer for not keeping up with his standards. I admit, I was not good enough and I had to get my motors on overdrive starting next week in my studies if I'm going to do any better. Seriously, this is biting into my stupid pride I've got in my head. It really knocked me down and ripped me apart when I got to know that I'm no better than her. I've got to finish 400 drawings by next week, and wire sculpture as well as cross contour drawings.
Then I got involved in this club promoting booth event thing, and as if I hadn't have enough work in my hands, I had to draw $^$&@ up for the club attraction, which I am very pessimistically positive didn't work; May session students had too much enemies at their disposal - if not haters. Lemon #5
Quite a bit in between resting I checked my phone after a few hours. Monsieur was worried, and a little upset that I didn't pick up his calls and reply his texts. I called him up and told him it's been a busy day, asked him why he called and he said he just want someone to talk to since he had a bad day. I asked him what's wrong, but he didn't want to talk about it right then, and I don't know what really happened in my brain but I snapped. I couldn't hold it in anymore that I'm upset, and he could hear it from my change of tone. Lemon #6
Still on the phone with him, he insisted that he was only telling me that if I had anything to talk about, he'd be glad to do so, however if I need more time I should tell him. I don't know, I think I did tell him I need some time, but that doesn't matter anymore.
"I couldn't read minds, you should tell me if you need time, not just disappear like that"
I just snapped. I told him what happened all day. I told him that I'm feeling horribly insecure these days, what's with my college things and expectations I had to keep up with. Its not like I don't want to talk to him, its just that I've learnt from the past that talking with a broken soul will only lead to the worse...and I don't want to repeat what happened to Adam back then happened to him.
I know I've changed, that I'm not as talkative as I was about what's going on in my life. Or the fact that I could be really open about how I feel. But I guess its normal for people to change. :\
I shut up most of the times lately, fearing that what I say might bore the other person; or the fact that my head is not 'collected'.
But when Monsieur said that the change had led him feeling that he should better be off a stranger than who he is to me now just so that I open up to him more about the things I keep to myself, I felt this huge crack in my chest. I hate it so much when I let anybody down. And I hate it even more when I let myself down. Should I defend myself by just spilling it out this disappointment I had when I was told that, or should I just swallow it up? I chose the latter. I swallow all my pride up and blame myself for everything that had happened. Just like my lecturer told me, I am not good enough anyways. Lemon #6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. :\
He told me he sort of figured it out already that I'm not so much of a talkative person sometimes. Well I guess it's a new thing, I was never told that I can shut up. But I'm not particularly happy with this finding, because all it leads to is just me keeping everything bottled up and hurt Monsieur.
Don't ask me to change, please, because I can't.
Oh where was I? I was walking back home next to a guy with a grass cutter thing (not a mower, its like an open blade thing) and stared at how he cuts off a new sprout of a tree off so cruelly with the blade when all of a sudden a pebble hit my right cheek real good. It bleed for a bit, but it stopped. Ouch. Just a scrape I guess, but I now know how it feels like to be shot at the face. Lemon #16
I guess crying helped a lot in bringing my spirits up amongst the unnecessary piles of lemons around me.
I know it's not lemons, but still. Suddenly.
------------------------------------------------ DRAMA / PERSONAL
Right-o, I just got a confirmation that I'm back in the line, though knowing that I'm not the only one who covets to be picked, or at the very least shortlisted. It's kinda funny and scary at the same times when the application I'm taking is quite frisky. I don't know if this is FO REAL YO but I'll be a skeptic - wait and see what'll happen next. If that counter dude is giving equal treatments to all his applicants, I am VERY SCARED NOW.
...and a hot potato can now tell the truth :) I'm on eggshells yo.