..big fucking asshole, that's what I am.
If only all these people would understand the guilt I'm suffering, the burden I'm carrying on my back its so heavy that it hurts my back and yet the mockery never seemed to stop. Not even from someone who I thought would understand.
I don't want to listen to all hose preaching because the guilt, remorse, suffering, regret, anxiety, fear, hate, they're ALL coming down on me and I'd stand there mortified by the weight I'm carrying is doubled by just a few words.
I know I should do what I should do but with what I'm going through I just couldn't do it now I just couldn't. Please just stop all that talk because I don't like it at all. I don't want anyone to bring me down further than where I'm stooping right now picking up the shit I've done back then.
Call me stubborn and all that but you don't know what's going on in me, you dont know what I'm feeling, you never understood me anyways, you werent in my shoes.
When you are you will see why I couldnt even look up and call His name up. You will see what a disgrace you are, so dirty, demoralized, detached, so filthy that walking by a squalid praying room will send you over your stomach and squeezes your guts out while still looking up wondering if He could ever forgive you. The answer most probably will be NO and its big NO to so yeah you get it.
Just stop that.