Friday, December 31, 2010

..and again and again

Its only 4 months and I'm starting to feel the singe. Road rashes in my mind thinking that I moved too fast in my own game.

It wasn't the first time when someone I let to co-drive this mentally ill and sick unfriendly world of mine kind of hit the emergency brake pedal, sending my perspective and what I know about myself into an array of dismantled facades I thought was part of me.

Sure, sometimes things are said to make other things better. I was told by a former boyfriend too that I cannot accept critiques well on how I do my life. Yes I admit, I am still immature.I am still childish. And I am stubborn.

I think I wished too much when I wished that I'd find someone who wouldn't mind. Maybe I read too much novels or watched too many movies as a child to even think about it. Humans have limited capacities of which they could accept.

What would you want as a boyfriend, huh Red? A dog you can push and pull as you like?

As much as I try to kick that thought out of my head I still wonder, will he want me any more than he want me before knowing now that I cannot accept changes?

If I were to be allowed one small inch to wriggle, am I allowed to say "what happened to the pieces you tried so hard to collect before? why do I get the feeling that you are trying to jam the wrong piece at the wrong place?"

I now have doubts on which I said I am very okay getting myself contained in a controlled variable I'm now seemingly kept in.

I said it many times just now just so he could see where the piece he's holding in should fit in. It was the piece which I described to him long ago to be something he will find hard to love - my hatred of this world I'm living in.

One person in this world knew to what extent this world has changed me. This person was in your shoes before you and I'm telling you it was never better than this, could be worse. Hating is about the only thing I kept on doing, and BAM at one point things don't matter and that's when the tide pushes me aside, against my will.

I got to where I am by hating. It is not a good way to live, like you said, but have you realized that life has been fucking me through my arse again and again, fighting or no fighting? Might as well get me thrashing and screaming and clawing. I would say that I am generally kind. But lets just put it this way - I'm walking on thorns.

Hating puts me on the edge of my seat, realizing that someone is better than I do, someone who's obviously in the same scene where I am. It gives me power to improve, the push that I have to break out of that thin layer to prove to myself and possible the entire world that I can do better. I am snobbish like that, but a friend said the better word to put in would be competitive and high-achiever. How do people win personal wars with their competitors? By hating their success.

Hating goes a long, long way for me. It has several branches from which it sprouts. It would either end the other person suffering, or simply left out of the game.

Befriending never mean so much in the sense of getting things to work the way I want it to be. Having friends means that you enjoy their happiness, their achievements, and you don't cross their way - you're walking in the same direction. I do elimination. Why? Having too many catalysts makes my bums shift here and there uncomfortably.

That's where all that belong and I don't feel like I want to change anytime soon because changing will only weaken me as it did a couple of years ago. Empathy made me wind up being hit on the head, emotionally insulted day in day out, and lost my mind.

Put that piece back where it belongs and don't tamper it anymore. If you really do want to try to understand me, accept the fact that I don't play nice. Cuz the world wasn't a really nice playmate either to me.

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