Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I'm having such a huge writing kick up my ass right now I can almost see the words jumbling up in my head. Obviously things aren't really going good at the moment, everything seems funnily irritating, weird, sad, like I'm tripping over something. Some plant. A 'shroom I suppose.

I know sooner or later in some point of my life I will fall for this emotional trap hole where I start to blame some things on other people that actually didn't have anything to do with that person at all. I always do it. I did it again and I'm not proud of it. I think in a dysfunctional way I am still depressed and I'm inflicting it upon other people. And for someone weak, it really shows how much I have affected them.

I do not want to make anyone feel anything about what I'm feeling. But I feel such huge rage at different times in a short period of time its not funny anymore. I was bipolar. I don't want to stay that way. Still my mood swings in the way that I think I still am. It was pretty drastic, especially when I get drone-like responses.

What am I hoping out of someone if all I'm doing is killing them day in day out? I don't know anymore Because all this, I've seen how it started and ended. It was always me being the bad bitch and some silly good human kind being my floor mat.

Sometimes I feel like I'm venting on out of revenge. Maybe it never got away, the fact that I was abused physically and mentally by someone I cared about that it scarred the part of me that's marked "patience and nurture". Maybe I'm just twisted after what that 'honorable gentleman' did to me for years. Maybe, just maybe, I'll stay insane my whole life. Or I'm just born with a very thin patience, or bipolar disorder, or I'm just a motherfucking crazy bitch.

This crazy bitch I'm telling you is getting real messed up for a few weeks I think.There was study, projects. Then it was family, sending something out of a misunderstood whatever she was reading. Then it was.... oh my goodness I think I'm turning into a lizard soon. Or just detached.

Cuz it used to make me feel guilty if I don't get things sorted out back into how they're supposed to be. Now I just want to carry on writing till my heart feels like it doesn't wanna burst so much laughing at my pathetic attempts to calm myself down.

I wish he would understand that he will never really understand how it feels like to have my brain.

I don't need anyone to talk to now. I just need to stop functioning for a while like someone I know, and get back my flow like I always do.

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