Friday, June 24, 2011

a white crayon

I feel really bad these past few days.

Yeah, it's quite appropriate to say that it's hard for me to take in a criticism. I believe it's something to do with how I dealt with my life, maybe I'm tired of taking in shit that people throw at me.

Stubborn? If you need a word to describe me, you've found it. I'm hard as stone most of the times.

So when someone came up with things I don't really like to hear, it sent me batshit insane inside. It's really hard for me to forget about it. I'll start to re-evaluate my life more often and I became obsessed with it. I'll start to retrace my own steps and see where I went wrong. Well it apparently sent me more nuts than it does any good to me.

It's not like I don't want to change. It's that, when I try to, shit happens to me that made me regret changing. I know so, since I've done that mistake many, many times in my life. Some random assholes will start taking advantage of me, and laugh at me while I try to pick what's left of me.

But if my attitude is hurting people around me that I care most about, then should I just suck it up and change?

I don't know, really.

I'm constantly hurt thinking about it and I really am going in circles about it. I want people to be honest to me, I hate it when people hide things from me, but I'm not entirely sure if I can take it in.

I also constantly think that if I am detached from everything then this problem won't be happening. Am I right? I don't know either.

I guess it's impossible to be oneself without doing one or two things that irritate people...

What I know is that I feel down each time I see people being comfortable being their own self. How can these people be loved and liked by so many? How do they make people accept them as a whole and still love them unconditionally?

It sucks to know why people shy away from you and you can't do anything about it.

How can some people have so much talent and so much love around them effortlessly?

How can they be hurt so little?

How can they live in this cruel life unscathed by living?

How am I different? I had to be strong...

But I don't want to grow into a proud bitch my whole life neither.

Why do I keep hurting people?

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