Automatically things had become rather non-standard - people glaring and I glare back without the slightest bit of conscience and an impetuous, almost dizzying self-control from flipping something dangerous towards old people.
Time had become a little slow and a little fast a little bit irregularly, and I find myself choking with my own words trying to find what I should say first, how I should begin and with what should I end it. It became pungent with my own agitated sweat and ink. In the end nothing is said and nothing is done, making me feel asphyxiated by the rules I impose upon myself and the rules others impose upon me.
Whereas I thirst of the freedom I once tasted so bitterly in my mouth, I needed that and I crave for it almost inhumanely, in the most vicious, most passionately insane way; I behave a little badly from time to time to show how much this had affected me. Each and every day I find my limbs tied by invisible chains to invisible crooked yet strong tall poles of Faith and Love and Need and whatnot I believe I have been limiting myself to myself and myself only.
It became my misgivings, and my misgiving had cost me a whole lot. While there is nothing much to lose, some might think it would be redundant to state what one person may actually carry behind him/her.
Money had lost its novelty to me. There is nothing in this world that could sit me down other than myself and the will of God, and while you agnostics and atheists laugh at this seemingly aimless statement, I believe that He had helped me a whole lot in nurturing believe that I could be a better person and you did not do anything. You cease to exist while I will face him and the demons in my past and beg for his Forgiveness and perhaps be torn in pieces, only He knows. There is something to look forward even in the grim lights of certain Death - and I bet it is far more interesting than ceasing to exist.
Hope are building blocks. You build them, you topple them, you build them again and topple them and some might even get to where they want it to be - the cycle will go on and on till some people die or cease to exist. It does not matter why you do it for, you are bound to fail. I am failing. However I take this as a perverse benchmark, a sadistic reminder for me to be less of a faithless monster to myself and to others who put so much effort in seeing me succeed... whatever Success might be in their minds.